Tag Archives: avoidance

More Than A Few Good Men

     I came across this article asking the question, “Are Men Necessary?” and it got me thinking. I was raised around a majority of boys. At times I found myself wishing I was one. I viewed them as emotionless, carefree, and adventurous. As I grew up I discovered they are actually full of emotions. That being the case, many were never taught to manage their emotions. They did, however, easily display frustration, anger, and avoidance. I also discovered they are not all carefree. Many men are heavily burdened, worried, and tired. They are deep wells, full of concern and carrying a heavy load. This often contributes to their negatively charged outbursts. Lastly, I discovered most men leave their adventurous days in years of boyhood. They grow up and begin to fear risk, fear failure, and often walk away before they even begin any kind of unfamiliar endeavor.

     What happened to this gender I admired? Men who once were seen to bring strength, courage, and hope to the table, are they now cowards, shallow “assholes”, or passive aggressive? Is it really true? Are men really unnecessary?

     But then I started thinking about the men I have come to know and love over the years. The men I adore provide comfort and stability. They are a source of truth, affirmation, and wisdom. The men that capture my attention are those who are still adventurous; those who see what they want and pursue it with tenacity; those who see obstacles as challenges to be overcome. The men I take note of have standards and convictions. Are they perfect? Maybe not in the normal understanding of the word perfect, but maybe that’s what we need: men perfect because they are okay with being men. They are tough like Clint Eastwood in Grand Torino. They are merciful like Jean Valjean in Les Misérables. They are wise like Mr. Miyagi, fun like Adam Sandler in 50 First Dates, and humble like John Coffee in The Green Mile. All this and they make you feel loved like a Nicholas Sparks movie.

     The good ones may not always know what to do or how to do it, but that does not keep them from trying. They put in the effort to be good fathers, good husbands, and good men in general. They keep their eyes on the prize, staying focused no matter what comes their way. They may make mistakes, they may falter, they may even veer off course, yet they will stay true to their hearts. Even though they may have a proverbial good sense of direction, they are humble enough to ask for for input, to ask directions from those around them, knowing they will find due north through the wisdom of many counselors.

     Goodness resides in their core of these men. They want more than mere existence. The men I look up to understand the value of a woman, they know the meaning of team work, and they appreciate discussions of substance. My hero’s are those that have stood the test of time and remain standing. They have fought for what they have believed in. They have not sacrificed others to get where they are going. They love fearlessly and defend ferociously. Though the ones I love make mistakes, they own their mistakes and learn from them, harnessing the wisdom gained into a gale of world changing force.

     Good men may be hard to find.  They are few and far between. They are rare, priceless gems and should be treated like the invaluable treasures they really are. Many of them have fought to get to where they are. They may have been fatherless, left to learn man skills on their own. They may have built a repitiore of hero’s they model themselves after. However they developed their character, we can be sure it has been tested and tried, and it shines through  faithfully.  Within this type of man, a woman can discover her own worth. She can be vulnerable, appreciate her own value without diminishing his, and let her beauty speak for itself. On real men, true men, good men, we can lay our heads on their chests and rest. We can call them home. We find solitude in their arms. We acknowledge peace in their words. We find life in their soul.

     Even good men may not have always comprehended consciously love in it’s fullness, but eventually they display it with every part of their being. They may not have always been a source of strength, but in the end they make you feel strong. Good men finish what they start. And really good men help others finish what they start too.

     So, thanks to all the good men out there. We are glad you are here. You are necessary, and we appreciate you.


Mommy, why does it hurt so bad?

I call it my mommy heart. My desire for all of my children to feel loved drives me. I want the best for each of them. I want them to feel special. I want them to know how important they are. I want to nourish and encourage their strengths. I want to guide them through their weaknesses. My mommy heart desires each child be free from the pressures of perphection. I want them to view mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow. I earnestly seek ways to draw the best in each of them to the surface like a gold miner panning for gold. I want them to live life to the fullest, reach their destinies, and pursue their dreams.

It is when bad things happen that my mommy heart kicks in to overdrive. I want to stick my children in a bubble, and keep them from any and all pain. I see it in their eyes; the feeling of loss, a deep indescribable sadness, and a sense of helplessness. I wish to swoop in and save the day. I wish to comfort them and take all of their pain away. I wish to protect them and help them avoid hurt in every way. I learned years ago, this is not only impossible, it is unhealthy. It teaches our children bad coping mechanisms. It also sets them up for failure.

Unfortunately, in life bad things happen; some parents get divorced; some of our closest pets die; sometimes we move away from our friends and family… the list goes on and on. Bad things simply happen. When they do, the hurt can feel overwhelming. The pain can be intense. Our greatest fears can surface and the world can feel unsafe. So many of us have endured great hardships. To act as if we haven’t sets up a false reality for our children to live in. To dwell on our hardships causes us to live impaired. To walk out our hurt with our eyes focused in gratitude teaches victory.

Showing empathy in the middle of our child’s pain is vital. Being compassionate as we listen to them process their hurt will bring healing. Not always knowing the answers is okay. Often times sacrificing our desire to provide understanding can liberate us all from false perceptions and dogma. Allowing our children to walk through their pain leaves less emotional scars, like ointment on an open wound.

Medicating our children’s emotional pain covers it up. Things rarely get resolved like a broken bone that never got reset and cast properly. This often times leads to addictions whether it be shopping, eating disorders (including overeating), alcoholism, drug abuse, etc.. Teaching our children to avoid pain can lead to seclusion, isolation, and loneliness. Fretting about the unknown can lead to irrational fears, wild imaginations, and lofty thoughts. Things that don’t kill us can make us stronger. However, they can make us callus, bitter, angry, or passive as well.

We don’t have to be our children’s savior either. They already have one. He promised to send a comforter. He said, He will never leave us, nor forsake us. As we look to Him as our source, we show them how to do the same. By this we can give our children the tools to have more self-control so they will not try to constantly live on artificially stimulated emotional highs. It takes courage to hold our children’s hand, look them in the eye, and say you can do this; I will be right here with you; I will coach you through to manage your pain; I am sorry it hurts so bad, but you are not alone. I know, because I too have endured pain. Like the sunshine behind the clouds, joy will come in the morning.


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