Tag Archives: failure

Perphect!

Perphect…

“Perfectionism”, this unattainable yet infectious complex, spreads like infected cells.  The consuming, pseudo reality plays itself out for humanity, especially in our culture’s ideology.  The presumptuous intellect knows best.  Each individual creates their own internal infrastructure with the assistance of nature, nurture, and social factors. I myself developed an idealistic persona in my mind. A person I desired to be, but could not attain.

The problem with lofty ideals is we often develop a mental picture of these and how we think it should be. Then we are discouraged when something does not end up looking like the picture we saw in our heads. We are stubborn. We think things need to go a certain way and produce a certain outcome. That is all well and good as far as intentions go, however, it totally screws with our head. Like an artist with an idea, it is frustrating when what is in our mind does not come out on paper.

I found the more I tried the further away the person I wanted to become would be. I sabotaged my joy by setting up unrealistic expectations. If I wanted to always be good at something and happy, I would push myself as hard as I could. I would find the brighter side to every moment. Now, those are good things. However, I was coming at them from an obsessive place. When things went out of my control, I was in chaos. My internal world felt out of sorts. The conflict heightened when worry entered the equation. Anxiety had found a place to rest in my heart. It caused turmoil to spin like a hurricane inside of me.  This storm surfaced the belief: If I could just be OCD enough bad things would stop happening.

Happiness, easy going, delight, and stress collided. I quickly realized to be fun and carefree I needed to pursue my dreams. I did not know how to do this practically, outside of  a fantasy world.  Yet, it was in this very place I delighted to be that caused the most frustration and disappointment.  I could not hope and be a realist at the same time. I relinquished one for the other. I developed a “poverty” mentality of surrender and slavery. I felt like I was constantly in lack. I became bound by my own perceptions and core beliefs. I was uncertain how to be happy and carefree from the inside out no matter the circumstances .

I wanted it all. Yet how could I reconcile my hearts desires, live in the here and now, and be okay with the inevitable imperphections? I was afraid I would let my dreams hinder my capability to apply wisdom and practicality.  I began slowly suppressing myself, my joy, my nature, my being….the very name that I was called to be.  My fear and worries slowly took over my spirit. I was drowning in quick sand.

I buried my heart. I began setting my standards lower. If I could achieve it then I would not be a failure. I would protect myself from disappointment by only attaining what I knew would be possible. No risk…no pain! I tried intently to avoid rejection and disapproval. I began to plan ahead so I could prevent mistakes. If I could overdo everything then nothing bad could happen to me, right? I was continually in a battle with discouragement and disappointment. I was bleeding love and hemorrhaging acceptance. I needed a tourniquet. I did not know how to genuinely receive a compliment. Overwhelmed by insecurities, I focused on my flaws. It was a dark place with too much introspection. It is a place where people go to get depressed. It was a place I desperately fought to get out of.

Still, it did not matter how hard I tried, all I saw were my flaws. My attention was continually drawn to what I could be doing better. I underestimated my worth and personal value. I did not think I had anything to offer this world or the people in it. I felt as if I needed to earn affection, earn approval, and keep on earning things once I got them. Imbalanced, I felt as though I could lose love if I wasn’t pretty enough. I believed I would lose acceptance if I let anyone see the real me. I also felt I could lose everything I held dear if I let just one thing slip through the cracks. I had so much weight on my shoulders. Even when I did manage a smile anyone who truly looked into my eyes saw I was hiding enormous amounts of pain. My dreams were drowning in my pursuit of perphectionism.

But “hope deferred makes the heart grow sick”. To live in hope I needed to believe in the joyful expectation of good. The problem was, I was constantly waiting for the next problem, for that proverbial “other shoe to fall”. I had this ever constant, looming feeling something bad was just about to happen. There was a foreboding atmosphere surrounding me. This constant state of fear had stolen my peace and rest, and had run away with my joy. I struggled to keep them in my heart. Occasionally I would grab them by the leg and force them to hang out for few hours, but could never get them to take up residency.

Eventually, I was able grasp grace. I finally realized I could understand my limits, and still pursue excellence as a way of life. Priorities are important. Reconciling discipline, healthy habits, and a strong identity remain beneficial. To this day my house is typically very clean. I exercise on a regular basis. I am actively involved in my children’s education and extra curricular activities. I adore gardening and the outdoors. I love being fashionable. I enjoy arts and crafts. And I pursue my dreams. Yet through all of this, I am motivated by intentionality. After removing the stress, anxiety, and pressure that comes from thinking my actions determine my success or failure as a person, the things that at one point I thought “defined” me are now operating out of who I am. Though I will always grow as a person, I will also know my best is simply the best I can do.

It was through experience I discovered love was not based on performance. It was through discovering “JOY” that I finally became comfortable with my imperphections.  Often times the hardest demons to tell to go to hell are Fear of Failure and the Fear of Rejection. However, false humility is our own worse self-deception. I found when I compared myself to what I saw in others, all I could see is where I fell short. I had to be honest with myself and believe the truth about what I liked in me. I did not have to make up stuff, I simply had to discover who I was and then except that person. I had to choose to use my talents, my abilities, and the person I am. I had to blend my nature with nurture and walk in my own shoes with confidence in the direction I was created to head.

If we don’t grow and mature as people we will be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually stunted and even retarded, twisted by what we have made agreements with over the course of our lifetimes. I’ve learned a lot from taking risks, from trying, from making mistakes. As I’ve learned how to walk I’ve had to be okay with falling. Falling is fine. Getting back up is the important part. I found it vital to keep my eyes focused on the goal, rather than constantly looking down and seeing only current restraints. If we don’t go after our what is in our hearts, we will live in envy of the lives of others, and we will not do the very things we were created for.

Remember: it is what we believe about ourselves that becomes our reality. If we think we need to be perfect to be good enough, we will never be good enough! We can remain in our self-absorbed cesspool breeding bacteria or we can flow within the current of our own rivers with all of their individual eddies and idiosyncrasies. We can enjoy the ebbs and flows and the path laid out before us. We can trust, for no matter what comes around the bend, we will eventually make it to our ocean.

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Intentionality

Intentionality…

Why is it so hard for us to do things simply because it is good for us? Too many of us do things out of force instead of taking initiative. Partially this is because we lack motivation. Without pain, stress, panic, or reactivity we rarely pursue anything that poses the slightest difficulty.
What would our lives look like if we did things on purpose? What if we lived intentionally? How would our world look if we wrote down our vision and pursued our goals just because it would benefit us and those around us?
Ice cream vs. Veggies!

We had just ate dinner a little while before discovering one of daughters sneaking a handful of chocolate covered peanuts from the pantry. When Matthew and I confronted her about the situation we chuckled a bit, at the same time using it as a teaching tool. It went down something like this:

Matthew : “What’s in your hands?”
Our daughter:  (Pausing in her tracks…) “Uhhh… Chocolate peanuts?”
Matthew: “Why are you trying to sneak them?”
Our daughter: “Because I just ate and I am still hungry… and I thought you wouldn’t let me eat these. I thought you would tell me I need to eat more dinner if I was still hungry.”
Matthew: “So what you are saying is you don’t believe we want you to have what you want and we will only force you to have what is good for you?”
Our daughter:  “I just wanted chocolate.”
In my head: …this is a girl after my own heart. (LOL)
Matthew: “If I was to give you the option to eat ice cream or veggies for dinner, which would you choose?”
Our daughter: (Without missing a beat) “Ice cream.”
Matthew: “Do you want to be healthy as you grow up or sickly?”
Our daughter: (a puzzled look on her face) “Healthy!!!”
Matthew: “Do we leave you out when we have desert?”
Our daughter: “No.”
Matthew: “Do you trust us to take care of you as well as give you what you want?”
Our daughter: “Yes.”
Matthew: “One day you are going to be an adult. You will get to tell yourself what to do all of the time. Until then, it is our job to help you be a healthy person. Hopefully, by the time you get to make all of your own choices, you will understand the value in eating veggies.”

You could see the light come on in our daughters head. She was not made to feel stupid. She was not yelled at. She was not belittled. She did not have to hide in secret her hearts desire to have something. She was instead guided through the process of making a good choice for a good reason. As a child she thinks like a child, as an adult we need to think like adults. It is all too common to find many who are adults in age but not in thought and especially in action. There are many that live in response to circumstances instead of creating a lifestyle of good habits.
Staying the Course
If we are not driven by pain or the threat thereof, we are driven by performance. We care about what people think of us. How others view us affects our response to a situation. If we set our standards low enough we can live up to them. We will save face. We have an innate sense of failure, and therefore we lack the ability to risk. We live “safe” in “doing things” because we are afraid. We hide behind “hard work” (manual labor),  “laziness” (out of balanced priorities), or a myriad of other excuses to keep us from success in any area.
We have greatness inside of us. We have ambitions, aspirations, and hopes. Ironically, we avoid achievement. The work is strenuous, tedious, and requires patience. Mistakes can be embarrassing. No matter how much we practice we discover we can never obtain perfection. We have bought into the lies that we are not good enough one way or another. The odds are never in our favor so we relinquish follow through. We end up suppressing our heart and settling.
On the flip side, we hide our insecurities with arrogance, self-righteousness, and pride. When we have shortcomings we tend to hide them. We don’t let people walk with us through our struggles. We take independence to an extreme. We isolate ourselves and consequently we repeat the same ol’ behaviors. This causes us to validate our feelings of inadequacies and incessant failures. Once  this occurs we tend to play life’s victim. Swinging to the opposite end of the pendulum, we are open to being controlled. If I can’t get things right, I need someone else to tell me what to do. Then if I fail, I don’t have to take responsibility because it is all their fault.
We close ourselves off from walking in relationship as those can be messy. There is conflict involved, disagreements, and collaboration. We don’t know how to master a craft. We often give up too quickly. We want it now or we are on to the next thing. We are broadly focused and not single minded. We spread ourselves too thin and get discouraged when we desire a simple solution. The “hard work” and effort it takes to complete a task we set out to achieve often requires requires extreme focus. Keeping our eyes on the prize is a necessity. Continual recalibration is important if we are going to hit what we are aiming for. Keeping this in mind, it is important to note we do not have to be on top of everything all of the time as long as we keep on going.
We have to learn to balance our here and now needs with the pursuit of dreams without compromising one for the other. We tend to lack intentionality and get scattered by the wind. On the other hand, we can hold on so tight we abandon everything else for the cause. We also have a hard time taking the pressures of adulthood.  We struggle with feeling overwhelmed, incompetent, and surrender to the disappointment of unfulfilled expectations. Dedication, perseverance, and achievement provide greater satisfaction with a higher pay off.
Like in the story of The Tortoise and The Hare, if we are good at something and it comes natural, oftentimes we think we have nothing to learn. So, like the Hare, we fail to grow only to be passed up by someone with less skills who has remained faithful to the cause. Tortoises with intentionality do not get wrapped up in the highs and lows, but stay the course. They will enjoy the journey and not fret over who is passing them up. Eventually they know they will make it to the finish line.


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